OranGeRocKs

2011-05-24T07:37:00.000-07:00

24May'11
10:54pm

i really feel very lousy today back just now..
):

i find it so pathetic that i have to console myself whenever i feel sad.
still.

all i ever wanted is for someone who really cares alot about me,
who really thinks im very very impt,
and someone to be there for me.
someone who will let me hide in his arms willingly and lovingly when im scared,
or tired.
or when i feel lousy.

that was what ive always been asking for.

and its still the same.

maybe my beliefs do not really exist.
maybe i m meant to,
and cant deserve what the other girls have.

because im different and is unable to get the same,
behave the same,
treated the same.

Beautiful in White - Shane Filan(:

2011-05-04T02:46:00.000-07:00

4May2011
5.55pm

this is one song that i've just heard today and has made me so touched i cried.
this is what i mean when i said it touches people's heart.
and i'll be waiting still.
till a love story that is to die for hold my hand and bring me in. (:

thank you shane filan. (:

2011-05-04T02:02:00.000-07:00

4May2011
5.08pm

hey people. (:
its been awhile now.

and now i've made one move to stop myself from feeling cramped and upset,
i quitted my last job which made me felt like getting out of it is my last wish.
(:

and now im seeking a new job.
a job that i hope is not related to accounts.
i think i got a pretty bad scare from my previous job.
the pressure it acts on me is that strong that i think i am really not suitable for it.

and so the next question is.
what job should i get?

i've been trying to get some customer service related jobs through the internet,
but because i have constraints from all sectors,
its pretty hard to get a job that can satisfy at least most of them.

theres the constraint of a minimum pay i should get,
cause im a single child and my parents are getting on old.
and theres the constraint of getting a job that is weekend off,
because thats the only time i have with my boyfriend.

theres further constraints that i dont wish to work shifts in time.
because that would mean it will rotate every week or month,
and i wouldnt be able to pick up lessons of interests i have in.

ive been thinking i wanna get lessons on dancing,
singing,
piano,
languages.

all the general things that im interested in.

but all these wouldnt be able to come true until i get a job and has a pay that can afford these lessons.

ive been thinking,
i really wanna break through this.
this wall that ive grown up in.
this specific cycle of things i have to do.
this specific rules and regulations i need to follow.

which apparently i dun really like em.

all these has been set,
in the society.
and by my environment and situation.

its a fact that i have to earn money to feed my family and myself.
its a fact that i cannot go on without a job now.
its a fact that in order to break free, i need to find out how.

i want to break out from this current situation.
i dont want to grow old and die living in JUST this cycle.
the cycle of just working every single day,
and buying things that the house need, or i want,
paying off the bills,
eating,
occasional meetups with friends,
and still working to feed the family after marriage,
and work somemore for the kids' food and studies.

i want something extraordinary.
i want my life to have some meaning.
some adventure.
some love story that i can die for.

ive always liked singing.
and i really wished i could have a stage to sing for people,
and in turn make them touched.
just like my favourite male singer,

shane filan from westlife.

his voice moved me and their songs,
made me believed in things,
like i should still wait till the day i meet love.

their songs and his voice kept me going when i felt that i didnt have any hope for this life of mine.
i still do sometimes.

theres many things that i wanna do.
theres many things i want to get.
but i dont know where to start.
i dont know if its really gonna work.
i dont know if its really gonna happen.

yes i want to be a singer,
but there are much more people out there who just wishes the same as me.
i dont have a very hot figure.
which i will really have to work it out (thats one thing i wanna do)

and plus,
i dont know where to start to make my way through to acknowledgement.
to achieving that place on stage,
and really letting people like my songs and find belonging in my voice.

so when i come back to reality,
i have to tell myself that that is a big dream.
it will be wiser,
to get a job first,
and get financially stabilized.

do you think its possible?
that i could ever stand on a stage and sing.
and that my voice could touch the hearts of many?

i really hope i do get the chance.
and this time if there is a singing competition im aware of,
im not backing off.

im going for it.

one of my greatest dreams would be to sing one day,
to many people.
and having my voice touch their hearts and making them feeel like home.

i will be working hard to find ways to make things work out.
and until then,
i think i should get back to finding a job first.
a job that can pay for my house bills,
and daily necessary expenses.

i used to have only 2 dreams.
one is to go to every single disneyland on earth.
and the other is to find my partner.

now i have two more.
i wish to be a singer that can touch the hearts of people.
and i wish to see the beautiful and wonders of the world outside.
outside where the ocean, trees, grass patches, skies are abundant and beautiful.
where all the things go slower,
and more peaceful.

i reckon theres not one person whom i can talk to about all these,
who will really understand me,
so i thought i should talk to myself.
here. (:

im going off now.
and till next time (:

with love xxxx

2011-04-18T08:07:00.000-07:00

18Apr'11
11.13pm

black colour is soooo ugly.
but this stupid blog doesnt allow me to have spacing in my posts.
they go jumble and all cramped up with no spacing for my whole post just now):
eventually i gave up the colour part in order to keeep the spacings. ):

okay now, got to go sleeeep.
goodnight!

i know i failed to sleep within 15mins.
):

stupid blog's fault.
not i did on purpose! :x

and haix.
even if i wanted to stay in contact for a LITTLE while longer also cannot ):
cause ur gone.
by the time i reply.
):

haix. ))))))))))))))))):

2011-04-18T06:54:00.000-07:00

18Apr'11
10.25pm

okay ive only got 15mins to update here hahaha.
im sick and im suppose to be in bed by 15 mins. HEHEHE.
as promised to someone :p

okay wow i really never update for very long already! that time i was still stuck in the stupid miserable place. :x

now~ ive left it for awhile now, and ive even went on a trip to taiwan with mummmy! (:
and im back already with all the little things for me to remember taiwan with.
and lots of pictures!

due to lack of time i dun think im going to upload any photos today hahaha.
actually my main purpose of coming to blog today isnt because i want to update recent things or anything like that.

i just think i need some place to let my inner feelings out.
like to complain.
like to just say out how i feeel.

i hate the separation.
i hate having to console myself at so many times that everything's gonna be okay.
i hate having to imagine things and you all the time.
i hate the word 'lights out'.

i hate hearing 'the number you have dialed is currently unavailable, please try again later.'
and let me repeat, i hate that lady's voice when i call you. ):

haha.
im starting to get used to it.
since nov11 last year, we started to get separated.
but its not like we did spend alot of time together before that.
we had little time too.

and now, its apr18 now.. so many months have past.
and so many things have taken place.
we even went through the MSTD period.
6 weeks.

and these whole period of time.
ive already been hurt.
by many things. ):

my love has always come, without considering about myself.
i will give everything because its you.
because i think i wanna be nice to you.

but when i think of myself sometimes, i feeeel that im actually quite upset.
in actual fact,
im not happy.

but its funny how love comes to me.
cause the feeeling of me wanting to give and believing that being nice is the only thing i should care about and do....,

it always make me forget here and then that im not happy on my side.

hahaha.
yeah.
amazing huh.
i think it is, cause i dun think alot of people does this anymore.

because this is like putting people before self already.
not trying to boast or anything,
but i guess thats one of the best things i can give to my partner.
unconditional love.

however im human too, so yeah.
it happens when my heart raise a riot inside me and tell me 'what about yourself?'
i still am trying to believe the love stories i've grown up watching and believing in, and looking forward to. i hope my belief wont die.

because thats one of the beautiful things i still believe in.
and thats what im giving.
i'll be very heartbroken if i realise its NOT possible for it to happen to me.
or that its NOT gonna happen to me.

i hope not. ):
okay so lastly,
im just trying to get a job i'll be happy with currently.
resting while looking.

and im gonna go sleep,
hoping i can breathe through my nose again sooon.
haha.

goodnight (:

2011-01-27T04:29:00.000-08:00

27Jan'2011
8.42pm

im sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired.
):

although ive already given my resignation letter and it has been accepted,
they are asking me to extend.
and it seems like i have to.
limited manpower. ):

so its two more months of these before i can finally break freee.
and i hope i get to see more beautiful things everyday.
instead of theseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

):

im listening to bleeeding love!
haha.
on youtube.

im not being emo.
but i just felt like listening to it.
been one of my favourites since last time.

i feeeel tired.
and unhappy.
i dun know what should i do.

am i thinking too much?
am i being too greedy?
am i but just a selfish girl as well?
):

i wish there is some way to see things clearer.
and that everything would stay pleasant, and everyone's happy.
including me.

i am so afraid i'll hurt you.
because im starting to have some weird thoughts.
which i dun even know how strong and how real they are.

i shared them with you because im not someone who can hide it from you.
i didnt know the next step except for wishing everything to be well sooon.

at least i noticed it and made it a point to think it through....

because to me,
i really think love is a big deal.

a way big deal that must not have flaws.

i maybe selfish,
or maybe i'm someone who is willing to admit and wanna be very sure that it is true.
and it is strong.
and it is gonna last.
and it is gonna make everybody happy.

i dont know where to get started.
and its just soooooooooo hard to get anything straight.
because you are so separated from me.

we are always apart.
and the coming feb16 trip to other countries on the ship for 6weeks.

its just such a big blow.
its like so unstable now.
and its like so sudden.

i dont know how am i gonna make it through...
you say im not confident enough.
true enough, i guess i am not):
and im sorrry. ):

trust me i never wanted to make things hard,
or make you disappointed,
or make you sad.
or make you sian.
or any etc.

alright?

i told you i'll be figuring things out on my own first.
i will.
but i wish i know how, and that i'll have more time to think about everything.

work,
things,
are making my life very very cramped up.
and ive just been dragging myself to continue every single day.
i cant find something or somewhere to calm myself down,
to comfort myself.

to make myself feeel better.

i'll try to though.
i'll try to. (:

2011-01-21T08:16:00.000-08:00

21Jan'2011
12.29am

i feeeeel pretty lost now.
i feeel that i have no goal in my life, and there are nothing im very looking forward to on tomorrow, the day after, or the coming months and years.

its 2.55am already now.
i didnt get to continue and im not gonna write now cause ive been dozing off and sleeping here with my laptop on my lap for an hour plus now.

goodnight. )))):

2011-01-11T07:06:00.000-08:00

11Jan2011
11.18pm

today is my fifth month.
our fifth month(:

but it didnt go too well.
it wasnt very happy today.

cause i was so late in the morning,
with the drizzle.
i had to take a cab.

and after a few messages with my baby dearie,
which is suppose to be a gooood thing cause he dun get such chances all the time.
butttttt!!
he told me we wont meet today already.

cause its his mum's bday.

he promised to meet me today,
so i would go home ytd night.

and he even mentioned that he wanna come pick me up from work.

i wore a top i bought with him last time.
something he would seldom see me in.
and something i would only wear when im going to work.
(that is also why he wont see it)
i purposely waited since last week to wear this top on the day that he will come and pick me. ):

and so many other things happened.
like i screwed up the yearend accrual journal and stuff.
like omission or double take in of the invoices for accruals ):

man i really hate this job.
i wanna leave ):

i wanna work something that is meaningful,
or something that i like.
but im apparently stuck.
and im obliged to do everything.
until i can get a job.
):

im on webcam now with dearie.
and msning with him.

it felt so long since it happened.
since he went to NS,
alot of things changed.

we dun have much time together anymore.
i wouldnt consider those as any reasonable amount of time that I NEED TO SEE HIM anyway.

and there are some issues that we have,
that we cant even talk about,
cause we dun have time.

now we have less than a week left together.
before its all over.
before it starts the 5 years.

of endless separations,
and lesser time to get together.

more lonely times alone,
than times spent resting in each other's arms.

as much as i hate it,
but my dearie likes it apparently.
and since he likes it,
we have both thought that he should sign the contract.

and he did.

i guess we will just have to go on and seee.
and we will have to adjust to our time to make this work out...
because...

this is gonna be hard to maintain.
):

actually i would never,
and dun think i can ever maintain or bear a relationship like this.
no time together,
having to be separated and be alone all the time.

but because seanie tan wei liang,
my dearie,
likes this.

im gonna try.
and i do hope its better than what im imagining.
):

i wish this week.
will never end.

i want to have time like this with my dearie.

i really think.
we never get to spend like much time together.
and it just makes our relationship fragile by being like this.
):

i feeel so frustrated.
i dun wanna go to work tml.
i dun wanna send my dearie away to army again.

i dun wanna live a life with no meaningful things.

))):

happy 5th month,
(you at ur house and im at mine)
haha.
(:

2011-01-05T08:00:00.001-08:00

5Jan2011
12.12am

first post of the year! (:
and yeah,
its leaving a message for dearie once again.

HEEHEE.
(:

i was browsing through my photos tagged by friends in facebook.
saw many photos.

although i very fat and ugly nowadays. -.-
hahaha.

the main point is.
when i look at those photos taken with you,
seanie tan wei liang(:

i feel that i felt happy. (:
hees.

and dearieeee.
im going to bed with a frown tonight again ):
because i think you have some misunderstanding with me on the messaging part.
):

its not that im nt free to reply you dearie):

but i think you didnt have the time to stay and read on what my reply is...
so i couldnt explain.

thinking of the way you may feeeel when you go to sleep,
such as disappointment, annoyed and many more,
makes me not happy too ):

gonna post some photos(:
and now playing: 下一站幸福 - 突然想爱你 (:

2010-12-20T08:42:00.000-08:00

20Dec'10
12.53am

opps.
wrote christmas cards for my colleagues that now im WAYYYY OFF my bedtime. T.T

gonna go sleeep after this post....

dearie.
i dun even know if i can take it,
if its gonna be so long.

i know its something you like,
but it would have been nice if you could have discussed with me abit.....

but den again,
i can tell you really like it,
for your own reasons.

(:

so i guess yeah you're doing this.

i just hope i can make it through.
i dont even dare to imagine what might happen. ):

because apparently,
our relationship didnt have a strong base yet.
and then now that you're inside,
we already dun have much time together.

this decision will only test things further.

dun wanna stress you yet.
just wanna tell you im scared.
im worried.
):

people wait for 2 years max.
because all these will end.
but i dun know how its gonna be like with you.
two years down the road.
or three.
five.
seven.

if its always gonna be like the current situation,
or even worse off,

its gonna be VERY VERY hard to maintain the relationship.

*hug seanie to sleep*
goodnight dearie.
sweet dreams.

(:

2010-12-15T07:09:00.000-08:00

15Dec'10
11.20pm

my tummy hurts):
alot.

it feels like my intestines are all tied up together.
and they pull here and thereeeee.
T.T

pain...
but dearie's in camp.
and he cant even use his phone today.
because hes got a shooting test till like midnight ):

oh well.
i will get better soooon.

i didnt message dearie today.
at all.

pretty upset.
and frustrated about everything for the past one week +.

and not being able to contact dearie much,
and even if we do,
the little things that dearie has to tell me.....
is most probably the biggest part of it all.

):

arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. ):
been moody for like near to a week now.
):

i hope when i see dearie,
things might change back to normal again.
and there wont be this frown on my face anymore.

btw...
i think i most probably will.

like very happy to seeee him again.

very tired....
):

and all i feeeeel.
is ))))))))))))))):

i hate this):
i hope things really can get better.
):

seanie tan wei liang.

im gonna go hug seanie now.
i actually doze off on my chair. o.o

dreadddddfulll amount of work again tml,
and i have to speed up everything,
cause its payment week again ):

but i will not get to leave this place.
until i get a new one.
a secure one.
):

oh well,
*hug seanie baby and rock forward and backwards*
night night...

tired eyes wanna closeeee.

2010-12-14T08:25:00.000-08:00

14Dec'10
12.37am

still waiting for the chance to get the 2nd limited edition pet society penguin.
haha.
i got one already but have to get another one.

buying this limited edition thing,
and making sure that me and dearie have one,
has become like a culture, a habit or an event that cant be missed.

cause last time when i was busy,
and he could play PS,
he would buy one for me(:

so i dun know.
maybe buying like this,
and owning the LIMITED EDITION thingy represents like.
US.
haha.

so anyways, while i have to reconnect dont know how many countless times on the browser,
im here to write down a post.

nobody to talk to already anyway.
hahaha.
so late already.

im actually very tired already haha.

my eyes are all blurry already :x
but oh well.
haha.

has lost appetite,
and lost a sense of purpose,
and the motivation to push me on each day.
for the past 4-5 days.

because dearie couldnt come out.
he's got this SIT test.
he had to stay in for the weekend.
and to top it off, he cant use the phone.
cause its outfield.

so yeah.
kinda spent my 4th mth alone.
i went out alone.
hahaha.

i dun mind,
esp i think i should be grateful that i actually still get to hear from dearie first thing in the day.
like for awhile.

instead of not hearing from him at all on our 4th mth.

right?

ive been acting a little funny for the past few days.
haha.

like extra hyper.
but my frown doesnt go away.

because i cant see you. ):
because we cant spend time together.
and its not gonna be only for a little while):

now i understand why relationships are harder to handle when guys go to NS.
because theres simply no time.
and for people who have weak confidence in themselves,
will have doubts of themselves.

you read my messages,
but when the inbox is full,
you delete all the messages.

do you remember alot of things that i told you?

i hate having a phone with LIMITED sms storage as well.
but i cant really bring myself to delete everything all at one shot all the time.

i told you so many things through smses,
do you really absorb and think about how i was thinking?
or you were just listening?
and most probably forget about it after awhile?

and they are never talked about again?

over time,
i will run out of things to talk about.
because everything i have to say ends in one sentence.

thanks for trying to assure me with the littlest time you have in army.
telling me you're fine even if i say the same things to you over and over again.
at least its better(:

its not your fault dearie.
its not like you want it, right?

its because of this external factor,
NS.
thats causing all these.

and maybe on my side,
im abit expecting that guys and girls should be about the same when it comes to missing each other and what they would do.

like for example,
if i miss you,
i really miss you like crazy.
like write it down somewhere.
want you to know.

but maybe for a guy,
missing is just inside you.
in your own thoughts.
and not EXAGGERATED.
haha like me.

so hai....
i dun know.

i just...
feeeel kinda upset and mooody.
):

it all comes down to one sentence:
i wish i have more time with you.

the exact sentence that i've been messaging you for the last few days.
haha.

YAY.
THE LIMITED EDITION BUY ALREADY!
WOOOOHOOOO.

bedtime(:

and its dreadful work tomorrow again ):
hai.
byebye.

sweet dreams to you. *heart*

2010-12-12T06:58:00.001-08:00

12Dec'10
11.09pm

was talking to wave, my junior from NP earlier on.
and we happen to talk about Seanie, my stitch baby from dearie(:

at least you had your weekends meeting your boyfriend for awhile and went out.
but nvm,

i got seanie to hug.
HAHAHA.

den i thought of this.
actually that is what my dearie wanted.
to give me seanie to hugg when he is not around.
for him to keep me company(:

and yes dearie!
hes sitting on my lap now while i type this(:
hehehehe.

hes actually accompanying all my activities whenever im at home.
except for the times when im bathing HAHAHA.

imissyou dearie(:
waiting for you to come out(:

show u proof that seanie baby is with me now(: !

2010-12-10T08:21:00.000-08:00

10thDec'10
1.11am

happy 4th month to me and dearie.
and yeah it just have to happen that hes stuck in tekong.
confinement due to SIT test.
):

i didnt wanna be like a spoiled brat or something.
or was i behaving like one?

but den....
i cant help but feeel super upset that its gonna be 3 days.
no communication again ):

i hate field camps.
):

and tml, 11th Dec 2010,
which is actually now,
strictly speaking,

is the first day of the next 3 days that he cant contact at all.
because his phone is not with him):

so im hereeeeeeee.
wanna keep this moment before i sleeeep.

time flies!
4th month already.

but ive along felt that we've been together like for a very long time.
haha.

i wish we have more time together.
i wish we can do more things together.

i wish i can just see you.
):

what a lousy weekend.
one of the worst):

but maybe i'll start searching for my job orr..
maybe go out on my own and search for christmas presents(:

i'll bring dearie's jacket along maybe.
then i can feeeel like as if dearie is beside me.

im actually dozing off at the moment infront of my com.
guess im all worn out.

shit.
hahaha.

i dozed off now and then and now its like 1.50am.
haha.

-.-

miss my deare):

2010-12-04T21:19:00.000-08:00

5Dec'2010
1.30pm

waiting for dearie to finish writing his NS report and send me to print out.
before i can meet him.....

hes booking in again today.
he just came out yesterday):

sometimes,
being a girl who doesnt need love that much,
or not so emotional,
or not so feeling....

might be a good thing.

its only the 3rd week.

as much as i try to ignore the fact that i miss my dearie,
i still do at the end of the day.

and when i sit down, and face the fact that i miss him,
i always tear.
):

im not trying to make it difficult for him.
but its just hard to hold up a strong front and act like im not upset,

when i really am.
):

dearie told me hes gonna book out only in another two weeks after he book in today.
because hes got another test and hes gonna get confined.
):

i never knew the feeling of tearing by just missing someone.
by just thinking of someone and whats gonna happen.

now i know.
now that i've experienced it.

its terrible.

but it also means,
hes that important to me.

dearie is this big big part of my life.
that i use to look forward to everyday of my life.

because all along i've been a girl who am just looking for my life partner.

everything else, is a want.
and not a need.

he said last night during dinner.
that maybe im destined to wait.

yeah.
maybe.

and with all the external factors that comes to be our obstacles.
its really hard.

i pray that there wont be any misunderstandings ever to come between us.
because i know if it does,

our relationship confirm will start to shake.
and we wont have time or support to keep our relationship intact if it gets bad.

i pray nothing bad happens.
because that would be the limit before everything blows me up again.
and i dun know how long it will take me to stand up once again.
)):

as i said im a person with extreme thinkings,
its either i treat seanie tan wei liang as my everything,
and take all these pain and torture emotionally,

but if he feels it and loves me more back,
maybe in the end,
its all worth it.

or that i have to live for myself.
and not just for him.

that would make me slowly grow to not need him anymore.
and i wouldnt yearn for him anymore.
it'll just be us together.

but of course, this method doesnt come easily.
i have to brainwash myself.

im sticking on with the first one.
because i dun wanna brainwash myself.
into thinking about bad points.
and demoralising myself.
in order to not face such torments.

so yeah.

ive made a wish for my birthday for two years now.
and they've been this.

i wanna be happy everyday.

i hope birthday wishes really do work.

2010-12-04T09:09:00.000-08:00

4Dec'2010
1:35am

wanted to blog about something i saw today when i was out.
(:
so here i am.

i was on the bus towards tampines to pick up dearie today.
and i fell asleep half way through.
i woke up somewhere and there was this couple sitting infront of me.

i first saw them holding a brochure with a wedding cake on the cover.
and she was doing some hand actions to show that the cake should be big or something.
i didnt hear cause i stuffed my earpiece in my ears.
haha.

so i suppose they're getting married.

i dun know why,
but from them i feel the wonderful feeling of love.

the guy was like acting cute and the girl was like,
*hit the shoulder showing he can lie on her shoulder if hes tired*
and he lied down.

hes way taller than her.
so it looks cute to see the guy curling up to lie on her gf's shoulder.
ahahhaa.

so yeah.
but its this feeeling i felt from them.
that i realise, its so little nowadays.

you dun get this feeling very often nowadays(:

and den.
today i picked dearie up.
after field camp so its like 6 days week.
):

the day have to end early too.
cause hes like wanna collaspe already.

too tired.

):

and i heard from him that,
hes gonna get confined and not coming out at all for the whole 2 weeks.
because hes got another test.
)))):

i find myself reluctant to accept the fact.
because i dun want to.
):

i was just complaining to him earlier on.
about us having to keep getting separated and stuff when we just got together for less than 4 months.
although it felt like we've been together for long.

yog.
my work.
now NS.

):

and that i was thinking to myself.
how to cope.
how to not feeel so unbearable when hes nt around...

if one day i really dun miss him that much,
and is okay to not have him around,
and not in this current state of upset, agony and unhappiness,

its not a good sign either.

because my brains always work on the extremes.
):

oh well.
we'll just have to see as it goes.
right?

goodnight(:
sweeeet dreams.

its gonna be two.
im sleepy already.
gonna go sleep.

left less than 8hrs of time before the two weeks):

gosh i hate this.
):

2010-12-01T07:12:00.000-08:00

1Dec'10
11:23pm

wednesday!
tomorrow is finally thursday!

at least its something i can look forward to(:

i've been a good girl.
my dearie has left me a small note for me to read on thursday.
because this whole week,
hes away on field camp and we wont be hearing from each other.

(:

although the letter was actually requested by me. -.-
so...
yeah.

lol.

and im sooooooooo tired.
yawns***

dearieeeeeeeeeee!!

i cant wait to see u again.
to seeeee you coming out of the bus.
and walking towards me(:

and then the journey home (:
heees(:

dearie i miss the time we went barrage together!
we will have another chance right?
(:

HUGGY. (:
muacks.

i actually had thoughts of us sharing a same house,
and sharing our life together.
(:

soooo.
its a pretty good sign!
HAHA.

(:

hehehe.
gonna go hug seanieee baby soon.
(:

sleepy le...
HEHE.

im thinking of getting you a present.
but i dun know what should i get you this time.
hmmmmm.
hehehehe.

(:

you'll know by the time you read this i suppose(:
hees :D

goodnight dearie!
sweeeet sweeeet dreams!
(:

HUGGY AND KISS KISS! :D
(:

2010-11-30T07:31:00.000-08:00

30Nov'10
11.43pm

byebye november.
and here comes december.

actually december is the month of the whole year that i really like.
because there is this occasion called christmas.
and there will be so many christmas trees,
decorations,
from shiny,
to classic nutcracker style,

and with the familiar christmas jolly songs playing in shopping malls etc,

it just gotta be my fav month of the year.

but this year.
ive felt so many times when i look at myself and at the time of the month.

my months have never passed as fast as what had happened during my stay at this job.

it took away alot of my time.
and before i know it,
ive been there working for 1 year and 3 months since the day i stepped in to report being an IA.
haha.

i hate to believe i actually spent my whole 19 years old working my ass off.
lol.

in something i dun quite know if i like or not.

i just feeel kinda wasted when i think back.
and well me and my colleague has chosen to finally make our move too (:
so it'll be really over soon
(:

anyways,
that isnt the main point of this blogpost.

ive decided to dedicate my blogposts to my dearie, seanie tan wei liang for this period of time.
because hes away serving NS,
and as much as i wish i could involve him in my life,
we cant.

and so this can serve as a catchup for him.
(:

2nd night of hid fieldcamp.
no call no sms.
im still hanging on alright.

hahaha,
but i dont think its any longer.
:x

i pray that it will not rain anymore for the whole of this week.
or my poor dearie has to sleep in the mud ):

and i pray that hes careful,
and safe from harm out in this fieldcamp...

and to be immune to germs and whatever not,
so he wont fall sick!

(:

im wearing your jacket now(:
its like so warm and fuzzy.
because it makes me feeel you around.

just like when i hold the necklace around my neck.
i feeeel so calmed...
and soothing...
(:

and btw.
the track and field jacket,
its softer than the sailing one hehehe.
: D

the jacket really keeps me warm.
both outside and the inside.
deep down(:

and seaniee baby,
hes accompanying me when you're not around(:
hees.

so huggable.
just like you!
(:

dearie you're missed.
(:

im waiting for you to book out(:
hees.

iloveyou,
silly cute adorable sugary nonsensical BABY DEARIEE! (:

2010-11-22T09:11:00.000-08:00

22Nov'10
1.21am

tomorrow got work ):
but here i am.

still on my com.

gonna write here then head off to bed...
tired.

today wasnt a very good day i guess.
and currently im still feeling a little heat.
cause i was kinda upset and angry and all the unpleasant feelings all gathered into one.

dearieee i was sooooo upset that we had to cut off from our convo.
of course i understand your situation.
i just.....
hate the fact that it has to be like that.

we cant even talk for more than 20mins a day.

and now that you're caught for using the phone, you can only book out on sat ):

im just feeling better about the fact that they didnt confiscate your phone.

or else it would be torturous for the next few days):

soo yeah.
after one whole day of frustration and dragging my feet to continue working,
my dearie had to go cause officer came in and caught him using phone after lights out ):

and i thought that would be the end of my lousy day.

but thats not all.

my parents quarrelled.
and they seldom do so.
cause they seldom communicate anyway.

its all because of money ):
and believe me,

it wasnt pretty to be sitting on the floor beside them and watching them shout at each other.
they even cursed and swear.

i just hope things would get better or something.
):

and i hate my dad's attitude.
we are trying to tell him how's the situation like so that we can understand the whole family situation and all his FUCKING negative thinking always have to come in.

and then he will start acting.
ACTING PITIFUL.
ACTING COOL.
ACTING FIERCE.
ACTING in whatever he can act in ):

I SERIOUSLY hate ppl, esp close ones, to hide from each other how we feeel.

i just feeel hes trying to take it in and that hes trying hard.
he doesnt wanna bother us.

BUT HIS ATTITUDE IS CAUSING OUR BOTHER.
FUCK.

i hate ppl who dont get that point.
and these are the ppl i hate the most other than hypocrites.

people whom are like sarcastic and start stabbing themselves to make people pity them cause they feel guilty for "ill-treating" them.

when sometimes we didnt even ill treat them!

FUCKKKKK.

arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

dearie.
i wished you could have been there for me or something...

but i know its impossible.
cause.

you're not here. ):

and we cant help it.

i wish you understand how i feeel and feels about the same.
the same sadness.

so that i know you mind this situation now alot too, just like me.

and i really wish, you understand and feel happy about the things that i tell you every now and then.

although you said its because you've got no time to reply.

i understand.
so if you really understand and they actually sound lovely to you,
im happy.

but i need to know.
so that my thoughts wont go negative too ):

i still dont own alot of confidence in myself.

goodnight everyoneee.
tired sia.
tml is another f*** work day. ):

2010-11-21T07:16:00.000-08:00

21Nov'2010
11:35pm

heyhey!(:

here to update cause dearie has went to sleeeeeeepppppppppppppp.
ytd got fever, now got sore throat and runny nose. ):

i wish i could seriously do something to help him feel better.
):

and i just realise when im typing this,
im such a unfilial daughter!
lol.

my mum has been sick for like one week.
like seriously sick.
and i didnt do anything.

o.o

shit.

but well it just feeels different.
hurhur.

and well dearie, just wanna come here and blogg..
tell u how i feeeel. (:

i wonder when u will be reading this.
hahahaha.

i just cried after so long i feeel.
like alot of days didnt cry when u call le.

just now did.

misssss u!!

i finally understood why girls find it hard to maintain the relationship when it comes to the NS period.

cause its just freaking less than 1/2 an hour of communication for each day.

and thats like 1/2 in 24hours.
):

but i wont be like them who really cant take it and ends up ugly dearie!
rest assured.
(:

i'll just wait.(:

and you said when eventually everything is over, things will get better right?
like we can meet up and stufff.

im waiting. (:

and today farah passed a present she picked with hafiz for my bday!
(:

so nice.

its a music box playing 'Fly me to the moon' (:

heees.

tomorrow's gonna be a sucky day.
long and rushy.
and when i mean long,
its LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
lol!

so yeah.

i must really step on it on the search.
=/

PEOPLE HELP ME!
hahahahaaa.

gonna hug seanie baby to sleeeeep!!
and with bunbun and piglet : D

hehehe.

goodnight dearie!
goodnight everyone!
(:

show u guys the picture of seanie baby!

2010-11-12T23:04:00.000-08:00

13Nov'10
3.14pm

gonnna go out soon.
to a dinner from cuzzie's bf.
with my family and relatives and her mum.

today is the day!
im 20years old.
wow.

hahahahaa.

im getting older and going in the adult phase.

well now im going out soon so im gonna make this blogpost short.
i'll come back again.

i just wanna tell my dearieee that i wished you were here.
but yappp ur necklace is with me.
so i feeeel you with me(:

moreover, now that im still at home.
I HAVE SEANIEEEEEE BABY! (:
i promise i wont cry today(:

wait for u to come out kays?

and wanna tell u,
ive decided to dedicate a time down to write in our storybook.(:
i have so many ideas i wanna write in it!
(:

lets read it together when you're out(:

MUACKS.
(:

HAPPY BDAY ONG CHEW YAN.
(:

20 years ago, i was born to this world.
(:

2010-11-08T06:37:00.000-08:00

08Nov'10
10:47pm

dedicating this post to a honey bunny cuteeee lil boy.
seanie tan wei liang.
who is going to serve his NS starting from this thurs.
(:

im writing this when you're running!
hehehehe.

well, firstly i would like to apologise for losing my cool just now when we met up.
trust me, i felt really cramped.
wanna angry or upset also dun know.
and i was so afraid of making you upset or angry.
hahahaa.

im always like that when i get angry or upset.
i dun know what to do.
cause letting out and blast,
will be unreasonable and bitchy or etc.

but i cant control and still smile.
LOL.

so that face you saw is the best i can make out of.
LOL!!

sorry dearie(:
seriously.

and thanks for still trying to cheer me up back there.
and giving me time to settle down and talk to you.

and well.
i would like to make a post here to remember the days and nights we spent together the last weekend!

it feels so sweeeeeet.
it feels so like it can last forever,
it feels so like it is still gonna happen today, later, or tomorrow.

but of course, it doesnt.
):

but i guess these 4 days is all i can hold on to and use to remember(:
until we have more.
(:
will have one right? (:

let me summarise all the things i missed currently.
they may not come in sequence. hehehehe.
here goes.

djmax, max-comboing.
megaminddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd!
ilumaa.
cudddleeeeeeeeeeeesss first and last thing of each day~~~
pastamania. hahahahha!
bunbun and nini.
bus ride home.
preparing to go out together~~~

seeing you first thing in the morning and closing my eyes seeing your face, and with you near.

your prescence,
your nonsenese.
your act cuteeeeeeeeee patterns. :p

hehehe.
many many more.

thanks for spending the weekend with me dearie.
this long long one.
will stay with me in my heart and mind(:

and aiya.
you see lah.

never take photos.
its like.

never even took one.
):

now cant dedicate one pic for this post ):
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

dearieeee.
promise that we will take more photos next time and in the futureeeeeeeeeeeee alright?
:D
hehehehe.

PINKY PROMISEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

dearieee.
i really hope you really think im the good sticky.
and believe i wont be a bad gf to you.

hearing you say it out just now.
really makes me happy and touched i guess.
it made my eyes wet! (:

hehehe.

double eyelidddddddddddddddds.
:p

dearieeeeee arh........
i dun know if im gonna be okay when you're in NS.
away for that three weeks.

for now,
i believe i can hold on and stay strong.
just like you want me to.

but i really dont know.

i guess we'll just wait and seeeee yah.
heheheehe.
im sure i'll be fine.

cause you left SEANIE to keep me company! (((((:
hehehehe.

and dearieee.
lastly before i end this post.
i really mean it when i say,
the only meaningful things that i feeel i do each day now is all about you.

its like.
i feeeel like my sole purpose and meaning in life,
is my partner.

and thats you now.
right?
(:

i wish in time,
we will have our own freedom.
to spend alone time together as and when we want em.
(:

and that we are in control of whatever we do.
and that we do not have to care about bidding them when we feeeel like doing things.
(:

dearieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
love you love you love you.
(:

2010-10-25T08:19:00.000-07:00

25Oct'10

11:40pm

i never thought what i always believed will change.

my belief since young, that no guys will fall for someone like me.

and all the despair i get from that.

it changed.

its not like that now.

although i still cant completely believe and let go of my pain and past.

i still cant let go and be really confident and believe that someone actually loves me.

but i can feeel myself, believing in it more.

i really hope this is true.

the words that you say.

the way you think i make u very very happy.

the way you tell me i mean alot, and im nice, and awesome or even beautiful!

HAHAA.

i really hope its true.

because i never wanna get woken up in this dream.

or maybe i should say i dun wish to get slapped by the reality anymore.

i want to know that i can be loved truly and sincerely from the heart.

under all this hectic environment where money is driving everyone crazy and round and round~~

i want to know that, especially under the current society that looks for HOT babes, with perfect boobs, tummy, thighs and ass-es.

clearly i do not have any one of those.

not YET.

i think i should at least try.

get it once in my life.

better than just stay fat since the day i was born till the day i die.

always two - three size bigger than the normal girls here.

i wanna enjoy these few years of early twenties of my life.

with the same status and positions and deserve the same treatment like the other girls.

yap..

(((:

HUGGY DEARIE!

MISS U! :D

2010-10-12T08:24:00.000-07:00

12Oct'10
11:45pm

im crying.

i just broke down and cry.
lost control.

)))):

i feeel very tired actually.
more of the mentally part.

i dun know...
i mean im not very unfortunate i know.
but just let me self pity myself in this blogpost here.
so that i might feeeel better.

maybe im tired from work.
all the endless work that i have on my table.
its been a year plus now, that im there in this company since my internship.
and so many things happened.

IA, till being a temp and den convert to permanent and taking over the full role.

the invoices are crazy.
the issues are like a swamp.
i just cant get to an end of it.
and it all just adds on every single day.

people can do it.
why cant i?

is it because im lousy?
or i just happen to meet the person that is just that good.?
i hate to admit it,
and as much as i tried to do them all,

i just cant do it.

the amount is too much.
and im just too slow or something ):

tomorrow im returning to that table,
same route to work.
same office.
same computer.
same files.
same people.
same canteen.

same routine.

i feeel so stuck.
in this cycle.
the only variation is whether there are new issues or not.

whether i will be having OT or not.

new job?
what kinda job?

sell bags?
sell clothes?
another office admin paperwork job?

im working.
cause i need the money.

if i dun work.
i die.
my family suffer.
):

because this society is FUCKING controlled by money.

and it isnt fairr.

actually got kinda emotional just now back on facebook.
saw two profiles.
of two girls.

ive always admired about.

i think they are living their lives.
to the fullest.
they enjoy their lives now.

they are prettty.
they are smart.

they are well liked by everybody.
but they dun get bullied.
they have attitude but people think they're right because its reasonable.

they are having all that they want.
and they are just so similar to me.
around same age.
living in same singapore.
went through the same childhood or sec sch.

im feeeling useless.
my mum says im useless.
im gonna be a bad wife and mum in the future.

i suck to the core CAUSE I DUN DO THE FREAKING HSEWORK.

so many other girls dont do their hsework.
why is it that they dun get scolded at all?
and i have to be said till its like im doing some big crime?

so many quarrels.
so many shoutings.

no outings.
no dining together.
no spending time together.
we dont even talk much now....
):

i actually feel that my hse arent the place for me to rest my soul.
because i cant rest.

i feeel useless and...
lousy.

wasting my life.

when i compared with the girls.

they have all that they want.

and me?
stuck in a vicious cycle.
just diving my head in every single day.
into that pile of paper at work.

and trust me.
the pile is not just a easy thin pile.

maybe i grew up living in my own world.
my world was created under all the shadows of the stories i read,
the movies i've watched,
the world i made out of.

the world where money isnt the most impt thing.

where all the people are good people.

where the love stories are love that are irreplaceable.
and really heart capturing.
and that its all that matters.

im only going to turn 20 this year.
i feel like ive wasted my life for the past 20 years.
and the things that i wanna have.
does not exist.

at least it doesnt exist at all now, here in this place.

i really hope.
there will be a place.
that is as welcoming as the one ive always dreamt of.

someplace and with people that only i can think of,
and cant explain with mere words.
cause its so hard to explain...

i feeel like.
i have no place to hide.
from all these.

im very tired of going on and on,
with no real rest.

and maybe a cry tonight will provide some comfort for myself.

2010-10-11T08:17:00.000-07:00

11Oct'10
11:39pm

hellloooooooooo(:

today is official two months of us together dearie((:
and yeah its been awhile since i updated my blog.

actually i realise i come here more often when i am emoooo.
HAHHAHAHA.
thats why i didnt update much:x

anyways, these two days has been alot of events.
really loved saturday!
our 2nd month celebration! (:

went for the steamboat shabu shabu :x
though im abit scared of it by now.
cause shoved so much on that day hhehehee.

dennnnn marina squareeeeeeeeeee.
movie!!!
though the movie was ridiculously funny and lame.

LOL!!
at least the ending wasnt the HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
lol!

or else im sure we would have thrown the slippers to the screeeeeen.

love the arcade time!
cause we were really like having fun!!
(:
and no fair lor.
in the end we tiee to a drawwwwwwwww.

I WON LOR.
hahahahahhaa.

but it doesnt matter.
i like how it ended, us having a draw (((:

and marina barrage.
hahahahaa wrong choice of clothes for me arh!!
:x

very warm until i keep sweatingggggggggggggggg!!!

sorry i was abit pek cek that day.
cause i sweat and stuff.

hehehehee.

and yeah the staying over.
and bus ride home. (:
*hearts****

hehehehhee.

but who knows i got sick the other day.
and lucky u.
its really like what a good ten years since the last time i fell sick like this!
HAHAHAHAA.

slept the whole sunday away still not enough to get better.
den spent the monday with u again.

thanks dearieeeeeee (:
for accompanying me to the doctor's.
though the first was DAMNNN RIDICULOUS.
lol.
guess that just shows how scary the HR ppl are.
LOL!!!

i got eat med horrr.
good girl.
: p

cause u asked me to eat actually.
HEHEHEHE.

and today was sleeep in again.
thanks for staying a lil longer so that i at least got time to talk to u and stuff dearie! (:
it felt really sweet today toooooo! (:

hope that after all the times and things we talked about,
we will be feeeeling better with each other.
(:

and promise we'll stay happy together kays
(:

cause i dun wish for it to change to any other kind of feeeeling that is negative.
(:

mmmmmm muacks!!
hehee.

so sad.
i have to go to work again tml!!!
but its okay.

u said imagineee piglet as u.
(:
i will bring piglet wherever i go .
and that means,

you're wherever i go
(:

gooodnight my sweet sugary silly cutieee pieeeeee baby dearieee!
(:

2010-08-31T08:54:00.000-07:00

31Aug2010
11:54pm

alohaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

(:

im here to blogg!

because i feeeeel like dedicating a song again to MY BABY DEARIEEEEEEEEEEE!

the most lovable boy! (:

Here goes!(:

Brian McKnight - Back At One.

It’s undeniable that we should be together

It’s unbelievable, how I used to say that I’d fall never

The basis is need to know

If you just don’t know how I feel

Then let me show you that now I’m for real

If all the things in time, time will reveal

Yeah~

One, you’re like a dream come true

Two, just wanna be with you

Three, boy it’s plain to see

That you’re the only one for me and

Four, repeat steps one through three

Five, make you fall in love with me

If ever I believe my work is done

Then I’ll start back at one(yeah)

It’s so incredible, the way things work themselves out

And all emotional, once you know what it’s all about, hey

And undesirable, for us to be apart

I never would’ve made it very far

’cause you know you got the keys to my heart

’cause...

One, you’re like a dream come true

Two, just wanna be with you

Three, boy it’s plain to see
That you’re the only one for me and

Four, repeat steps one through three

Five, make you fall in love with me

Say farewell to the dark of night

I see the coming of the sun

I feel like a little child, whose life has just begun

You came and breathed new life into this lonely heart of mine

You threw out the life line

Just in the nick of time

One, you’re like a dream come true

Two, just wanna be with you

Three, boy it’s plain to see

That you’re the only one for me and

Four, repeat steps one through three

Five, make you fall in love with me

If ever I believe my work is done
Then I’ll start back at one(:

BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (:

I LOVE YOU (:

so very much! (:

its so amazing and ubelievable.

just like the words in this song! (:

muacksssssssssssss:D

cant wait to seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you again.

most likely tml! :p

hehehehe.

cause u taught me the way the stop myself from missing u when u go home or have to leave each time, is to remind myself to look forward to the next time we meet. (:

((((((:

iloveyou seanietanweiliang dearieeeeeeeeeeeeeee!((((:

this is the thing im updating silllyyyyy bbaby!! (:

2010-08-25T08:16:00.000-07:00

25Aug2010
11:16pm

helloooo~~ :D

im waiting for somebooddyyyyy to reach home.
so decided to come and blog for awhile. (:

ive been thinking of dedicating songs to u here on my blog.
and who knew,
your actions so fast!!

you dedicated a song to me on faceboook yesterday!
(:

and thanks dearie. (:
the song is mightyyyyyy sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.
but to be honest,
im still nt that confident in myself alright.

not that im doubting u.

I TRUST U.
but im just not that confident to believe that all of em is true HEHEHE.
:x

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
heres a song for u! (:

Shania Twain - Forever and for always (((:

In your arms
I can still feel the way you want me
When you hold me, I can still hear the words you whispered,
When you told me
I can stay right here forever in your arms

And there ain't no way
I'm lettin' you go now
And there ain't no way
and there ain't not how
I'll never see that day....

Cause I'm keeping you forever and for always
We will be together all of our days
Wanna wake up every morning to your sweet face
always

Mmmm, baby

In your heart
I can still hear a beat for every time you kiss me
And when we're apart,I know how much you miss me
I can feel your love for me in your heart

And there ain't no way
I'm lettin' you go now
And there ain't no way
and there ain't no how
I'll never see that day....

Cause I'm keeping you forever and for always
We will be together all of our days
Wanna wake up every morning to your sweet face
always

I can still see the look of the one who really loves me
(I can still feel the way that you want)
The one who wouldn't put anything else in the world above me
(I can still see love for me) I can still see love for me in your eyes
(I still see the love)

And there ain't no way
I'm lettin' you go now
And there ain't no way
and there ain't no how
I'll never see that day....

Cause I'm keeping you forever and for always
We will be together all of our days
Wanna wake up every morning to your sweet face
always

I'm keeping you forever and for always
In your arms((((((((((((((((((((((((((((:

hehehehhee. think u heard the song when i posted it on facebook :D

Hereee's the lyrics! ((((:

muackkkkkkkkkks. (:
huggggggy!!
(:

its amazing how we actually ended up together.
i really feeeeel that things in this world could so magically change its orientation.
and im so glad we both know how to appreciate each other(:

and i still cant believe ur mine ! (:
huggggggggggy!! :D
hehehe.((((:

2010-08-19T08:08:00.000-07:00

18 Aug 2010
11.30pm

(:

hi everybody! (:
dun really know how to start this, but just feeel so amazing.
haha.

i came today, wanting to delete off every posts that I have in this blog account.
because i wanna start afresh for a special one(:
and yes baby its you! :D

but after selecting all the posts and JUSTTTTTTT before i hit the delete all buttons.
i thought, i wanted to see what you have read when you came that day to my blog.
(:

and so i went on to read.
on the first page of my blog, there were numerous posts.
there are posts when I've been wishing and yearning for an imaginary person.

a person that i wish to rely on.
but has almost given up hope on finding.

and now.
by this post.

I can tell something.

that, BABYYYYYYYYY!
(:

you've finally found me and picked me up!(:

and the last post on the first page was a post in Dec 10 2009.
that somebody was you, my baby.

you reminded me that i have a blog.
you made me came to blog.

and yes, all those words, were for you (:

by this moment,
ive gotten most of the answers to my questions since years ago.

and yes, YOU DID.(:

and now, we're together holding on to each other(:

its still so unbelievable for me.
that we actually got together dearie. (:

we both talked,
and we realised we both NEVER expected that one day,
we would end up together.
(:

but now here we are.
holding on to each other.
enjoying each other's company.

feeeeling loved by the other.(:

and believe me baby.
you do let me feeeel like giving everything in this world for you. (:

im so glad that life took a change of route and direction.
now that you're back,
i feel so powered,
so happy like i used to be back when i was still a little girl at heart.
(:

i asked you.
why didnt we get together two years back instead?

and you said.
good things have to wait. (:

and yes.
its something worth it (:

and it adds to our relationship this strong sense of bond.
that we both had feelings for each other back when we were still "little kids",
but it didnt end up well.

we went on in our own ways.
we separated.

we got ourselves another relationship.
which didnt work out.

and now.
we're actually back together (:

and this time, im sure the both of us wouldnt want to let go that easily anymore.
right dearie? (:

the joyy spread and so many people knew.
all our friends obviously liked the idea of it.
looking at their reactions. (:

theres this extra blisss to this with all our friends' blessings (:

our journey started.
on 11th Aug 2010.

it feels so brand new.

it feels like alot of amazing things will unravel.
(:

it feels like we will discover more about each other everyday that makes us love each other more.(:

i really hope so.
because its amazing how we are feeling for each other now after only about less than 3 weeks. (:

i wish this happiness that we bring each other would last.
will continue on.

and we will grow to love each other more and more each coming day of our lives. (:

2010-05-18T08:56:00.000-07:00

18May'10
12:14am

happy birthday.
(:

hey guys.
how have u guys been?

im stuck in the cycle of going to work everyday.
and going out roaming the streets either with friends or alone nowadays.

alone most of the time.

like i need some peace.
lol.

no offence to my friends.
(:

for the one last time,
im going to make it clear.
even if you didnt or couldnt listen to me just now,
here's a repeat.

its true that ive been treating u from my heartfelt feelings.
you should know that.

i didnt know how to handle quarrels, fights or arguments,
and i turned to lies to cover up.

i admit.
im wrong.
and im sorry.
I AM SORRY.

i learnt from then on.
now i would rather be blunt more and say out the truth.
now i would always think of the bad scenarios when im cheering someone on with a positive promise. (so that i wont break a promise if the overly impossible comes into the picture)

i loved you.
thats a fact that we cant change.

and the reason why i feel that you dun love me enough is,
the distance that you have set between you and me.
your doubt of 'forever' with me.
your loss of trust in me.

all these created a distance between us.
i dont know if u noticed that.

worst thing was.
i ALWAYS thought it was due to me not being beautiful or pretty or slim or sexy or hot or girlish or something,
that makes you dun have the urge to love me.

i thought it was because u got used to the "bullying" of your ex gf that you dun talk much or share much anymore.

and overtime i lost the power to continue loving you unconditionally.
i started to think abt myself.

BECAUSE OF THE MISUNDERSTANDINGS.

till today,
we couldnt solve em.

and our relationship has become more and more complex.

bad to worst.

no more happy good times.
):

its true that i have no motives.
its true that i didnt go on to pick a fight or quarrel with you just now.
YOU KNOW I HATE THAT. ):

its true that all i wanted was to pass you the presents that i WANTED to buy for you for your special day and hoping that you'll like them. ):

im tired and cant stay awake now.
will continue tomorrow or something.....

your smell.
your skin.
your voice.
your lips.
your shoulders.
your hands.
your touch.

and your hug.

its all im gonna dream abt tonight in my dreams.
im sure.
):

but it can all ONLY be a dream and part of my memories...............

night night.
sweeeet dreams.

and once again.
happy birthday. (:

2010-04-13T07:30:00.000-07:00

13April'10
10.42pm

hi.

come to think of it...
i've had this blog since so many years ago.

i bet everytime im here to write something,
i sound different.
cause in between the time when i come back to blog,
it seems like i have endless things to learn from.
to reflect on.

as usual,
tonight is one of the nights when i feel really restless.
had been like that for abt 2 months now....

restless and dun feel like just going to bed so early.

although i may sound different everytime im here to blog,
i realise the thing i've always asked for has been the same....
and hah....

its not here yet.

the feeling just gets stronger everyday.

and there's nth i can do abt it.

i only know i've got to pick myself up.
and keep myself together.
if i could still do that....

many many things have changed.
and i find myself dropping into a vicious cycle of just taking everyday as it comes.

i never look forward to a new day.

and i dont wake up feeling all piped and energised and that everything is gonna be ALRIGHT.

im just...
not as cheerful as i used to be.

guess this is what u become as u grow up...?

i really hope for time to stop at a night like this...
so that tml wouldnt come and that i have to report for work again.
and that i could enjoy the moment...
closing my eyes,
soothing songs playing through my earphones and touching my soul.
feeling not too hot and not too cold.

i suppose all my efforts had shown that efforts doesnt always equal to results.
life is unfair.

even till today,
im like holding on and waiting for a miracle to happen.
which wont be.

its like....
if the miracle dun happen ever,
i will never be truly happy ever again...

i used to get rid of my moodiness with a sleep and wake up feeling fine.
or sing karaoke to get all my moody feelings out, and would feel much better after the session.

but none of them are working now.

and i've turned to crying for a choice.

it hasnt been of much use either.
but at least,
it clears off that heart grasping feeling i have almost every night and day for that moment.

i wonder what age am i going to die.

2010-02-28T06:26:00.000-08:00

28Feb10
10:44pm

one more month ending~

to mark the end of the month, here i am blogging.

i was reminded of my blog yesterday.
but didnt have the feel to come blog.

today ive got somethings to talk about (:

well firstly, i went to my couzzie's house today.
quite late actually.
(first half of the day was in bed, totally beat)

didnt have any appetite today.
couldnt eat much.

so just anyhow eat abit.

den she asked us to watch movie.
me, her and her bf.

this movie is from Japan.
the name is Sky of Love.

catchy name isnt it? (:

so we watched.

its a nice show.
and yes i did cry too.
lol.

its a love story.
about this girl.

they shared this love together..
the kind that is true i guess.
(:

the guy was very sweeeet.
but den after a yr like that,
he got terminal cancer.

): right?

and he made the girl hate him.
so that she would move on and wouldnt be sad when he's dead one day.

so they broke up.
and they were not together for like one yr plus.

):

until one day she finally know why he didnt want to stay with her from a friend of his.

her bf then was kinda poor thing.
but was really nice to have let her go.
knowing that she loves the first guy dearly.

luckily..
they got to spend his last days together...

its a very touching story....
(:

and in case ur wondering why the movie is called sky of love,
its because.

the girl always described him as a river.
that always move forward.
gushing through.

but the guy always told her.
he wants to be like the sky.
so that,

no matter where the girl is,
he will always be able to see her and find her.
(:

and now when the girl misses him ,
she would look at the sky..
and think about all that they had.
(:

tml...
is another work day.

well.
i dun wanna deny.
but the me now.
am just going to work and finishing the stuff.
because i have to.

i dread it when monday comes.
and that i can only really rest down on fri night...

and currently.
i lost even the little sense of comfort in my life.

its for the better of things.
because a little arent gonna work for the long term.

tell me...
when?

how long do i still have to wait for u?

ppl say im desperate.
ppl say i shouldnt be throwing myself at guys.
ppl say maybe if i really go slim down, i'll get some guys who likes me.
ppl say not being in a relationship doesnt mean im not good.
ppl say its just not the right time.
ppl say just dont force it and it will happen.

i know all these.
but my heart arent willing to listen....
hah...

i just want that someone who truly loves me,
and we would be there for each other.

because to me,
that someone is all im living for.

my greatest goal in life.
is to find someone who would treasure me just as much.

but den again.
maybe i'll never find a bf again.
maybe nobody will ever like me again.

maybe i'm gonna die alone.

i need to learn how to live alone.

2010-02-05T07:02:00.000-08:00

5Feb2010
11.22pm

hey.

been long since i came here.

thought i wanna come update for awhile.

my life's changing.
growing up and fully taking over the responsibilities of an adult very very soon.

my internship ends on 12Feb, which is just 5 more working days.
and my final submissions of everything on 22feb would mark the end of my poly years.

fast huh?

but im continuing to work at the place,
so im getting a job.

gotta work hard.

been thinking abt what steps to take in my life.

and ive come to this conclusion.

i will work here and take up short enrichment courses on accounting until july this year.
i heard july is the take in for ACCA.

i have until june to decide if i wanna continue in this profession.

most prob yes.

ive always have the interest but i guess the environment of the job doesnt suit me very well.

of course,
i will learn to live it well.

so i will most prob study ACCA part time while on the job,

and continue working in accounting for like 10-15 years?

in between i will take up other courses,
in my other interest.
kids.

maybe an early childhood course.
and dancesport classes. (:

so after like 10-15 years,
when im stable,
i might move on to my next job that suits my character more.

and one day,
when my parents are no longer with me,
i will move to somewhere beautiful out there,
far from singapore.

i will live my life there.

stay there happily,
have a meaningful or at least decent job that im happy in,
enjoy the peaceful and calm life every single day.

learning to be happy from all the little things in nature.

that means the place must be somewhere off town.
right?

and i will spend one happy, sweet and calming life with one who i share my heart with.

my mum said im a dreamer to think this way.
and that i shouldnt think like that.

someone told me ive got to believe that there are no fairytales in this world.
and that after a few more years,
i would believe in what he said.

im not 100% sure that its gonna be easily achieved.

but this is my dream.
my ultimate goal in life.

and i will take any chance that comes by to fulfil this dream.
(:

and so.
i was just thinking abt..
WHERE?

and i found myself googling.
i googled FORKS.

lol.

yes twilight forks.

from the show,
its a perfect place.

but maybe a little too wet and cold for me.

there are places to stay,
with the houses along each street,
people living just next door,

the forest and the beach is beautiful.
perfect places.

and there are shopping malls too,
with the movie theatres.
so i still get to shop and watch movies with my friends when i feel like it.
(:

quite an ideal place,
and who knows.
i might find my edward cullen there too.
haha.

so thats abt it for today's post.
(:

take care people!

and always remember to keep ur heart open. and willing to love.
dun be changed by the devouring environment we're in. (:

2010-01-14T06:48:00.000-08:00

14January2010
11.10pm

Currently playing: Flightless Bird, American Mouth (Twilight)

<3 twilight.

hmmmmm.
sooooo...
its been long since i came, ONCE AGAIN.
haha.

not currently at a tip top form now in my life.
rather caught and all tangled up.
trying to struggle out but succumb cause its tough to.

leaving the problems to drag on everyday.

not feeling truly happy.

why is it so hard....

why is it that all the timings have to be jumbled up.

and why cant things be much more simple?

):

all i want..
is to be happy with the right person.

to live on in life,
be happy for all the little things.

im graduating soon.
in less than 2 months of internship left.

i have yet to review for any jobs yet.
yet to think of whether i wanna lead a different life than:

work and study acca part time.

but another job means starting from square1 all over again.

then again... im not very strong in accounting anyways.
so its like im onli at maybe square3?
lol.

anyways,
that aside.

ive been feeling very tensed up recently.

i even had problems falling asleep few days ago.

which is almost impossible cause i always fall asleep super easily.

haha.

feeling troubled deep inside,
not strong enough to face up to it.

reluctant to face it too.

the past are all haunting me.

and time passes so fast everyday,

with all the new things that are pushing their way into my life..

its kinda hard to handle.

to grow up in just 2 years.
to change.
to lose my original self.

to be trapped and unable to break free.

):

but life still goes on,
i have to find a way to break free.

i have to find a way to survive.

to just continue living.

you're the only reason for me living on.
my life... is incomplete without you.

2009-12-22T06:59:00.000-08:00

22Dec09
11.14pm

you're all that im waiting for..

its tearing me apart.
and only you can make it all better.

so baby,
tell me.

where are you?
):

i feel terrible.

and im losing myself.
fast.
):

im so losing myself.
i just wanna breakdown.

just wanna cry.
and try to feel all better and hold on.

promise me.
that you will.

......
...

2009-12-10T06:43:00.000-08:00

10Dec09
10.57pm

so sleeeeepy.

but am gonna do up my grp's project planning "report".
need to consolidate all the information.

SOMEBODY reminded me that i still have a blog.
haha.

so POOF.
here i am.(:

i once described to a friend of mine about what i think is my life like now.
and farah i told u,

i feel like im trapped in a tornado,
trying to survive in it,
and hoping it will come to a stop one day.

i really think ive been through the most things these two years out of my nineteen.

and i suppose.
i cant adapt and get used to the fact that i m growing up.
and i have to.

ive never been truly happy.
since that day.

i really wish i could have understood what it was,
and to give you back what u deserved.

but its all too late now.

you're gone.

but at least i can tell ur happy now.
(:

tell me what i thought is true.

cause it will give me the hope and strength to go on in life.

to continue searching the only thing i want in this life.

i wanna say.

after a year or two,
i didnt forget how u were there for me.

and for the rest of my life,
i never will.
(:

i think my life now is kinda chaotic.
i mean if u dun compare it to african kids who doesnt have any food.

im living on without a direction.
living on, losing the faith.

and i always screw things up now.

with nobody really there to comfort me and tell me its alright and make me feel all better again.

i guess im just not independent enough.

i miss you.

2009-11-04T06:49:00.000-08:00

4Nov'09
11.02pm

i really think its beenn soo sooo long since im truly happy deep down.

but who cares.
right?

im not here to complain today.
just wanted to blog abit.

i was watching NEW MOON'S trailer.
omgggggggggg.

i so wannnna watch.

I CAN TELL ITS VERY NICE ALREADY.
(:

belle.
bella.
and me.

we all have something in common.

maybe i should dye my hair brown too.
haha.

since they found their breathtaking love in the end,
im sure i will end up with mine too.
right?
:/

goodnight everyone.

im really tired already...

sweet dreams everyone..
take good care of urself ppl.
(:

2009-11-02T04:18:00.000-08:00

2Nov'09
8.32pm

this is a song by M2M.
had been years since i heard this song.

but i sort of get the feeling of the song.
and understood how it feels through the song.

its been a while since i dedicated u any songs.
so this one is for u. (:

M2M - Pretty Boy

I lie awake at night
See things in black and white
I've only got you inside my mind
You know you have made me blind

I lie awake and pray
That you will look my way
I have all this longing in my heart
I knew it right from the start

Oh my pretty pretty boy I love you
Like I never ever loved no one before you
Pretty pretty boy of mine
Just tell me you love me too
Oh my pretty pretty boy
I need you
Oh my pretty pretty boy I do
Let me inside
Make me stay right beside you

I used to write your name
And put it in a frame
And sometime I think I hear you call
Right from my bedroom wall

You stay a little while
And touch me with your smile
And what can I say to make you mine
To reach out for you in time

Oh my pretty pretty boy I love you
Like I never ever loved no one before you
Pretty pretty boy of mine
Just tell me you love me too
Oh my pretty pretty boy
I need you
Oh my pretty pretty boy I do
Let me inside
Make me stay right beside you

[BRIDGE]
Oh pretty boy
Say you love me too

Oh my pretty pretty boy I love you
Like I never ever loved no one before you
Pretty pretty boy of mine
Just tell me you love me too
Oh my pretty pretty boy
I need you
Oh my pretty pretty boy I do
Let me inside
Make me stay right beside you

2009-11-01T06:08:00.000-08:00

1Nov'09
10.26pm

i really feel that my life is in a mess now.

wish i could make everything okay.

like as soon as possible.

i realise im not truly happy anymore deep down inside.

and i thought i were.

i wish everything between us would be alright..

and that i could have some time to get back.
i need a long break.

i need a shoulder to lean on.
a heart to love me.

2009-10-31T09:40:00.000-07:00

31Oct'09
12.55am

its been a while since i came to blog.

cause my com was down for nearly a month.
dc board spoilt.
sent it to acer and now yap working.

just got it like one week ago.
and just thought i should blog today.

to say the truth im not feeling very well right now.

not exactly physically.
though i feel abit cold.
must be due to the rainy weather.

emotionally.
yes.

i really HATE.
hate myself now.

cause i think i upset somebody.
somebody whom i dun want to hurt.

it wasn't intentional.
i wasn't trying to hide anything bad that i've done.

i was just worried that if i just say the truth,
he will get angry or upset and just walk off from me.

i really cant take it if he walks off from me cause i made him angry.
ever again.

so i lied.

i didnt tell him the entire truth.

and hours later.
when he asked.
i admitted.
cause i didnt feel good about lying.

I DUN WANNA LIE TO HIM.

but i was really really scared that he will be angry.
and flare up at me.

i really really cant take it.

the reaction was so instant,
my fear took over.

my reaction was too fast.
that i onli realise i lied after i finish my sentence to him.

after 5mins.
i wanted so much to revoke and tell him i was joking.
and tell him the truth.

but hes definitely gonna be more angry like that isnt it?

and i shut.

i really didnt want things to turn this way.

i dun want him to leave me like this.
to walk away like this.

it really hurts.

im so so so sorry.
please don't be angry or upset anymore.
can?

i know saying sorry doesnt help.
but i dun know what to do.

im so so afraid whenever u get angry.
whenever u get upset.

im so sorry. ))):

i really hope u wont walk away on me.
not like this...
)):

ps. idly.

2009-08-17T01:33:00.000-07:00

17Aug09
4.45pm

i should be moving on like u.

but i cant stop thinking abt u.

and i miss u.
):

and all the things we said we will do and places we would go..

they will never happen already isnt it?

):

why....

why cant that person be you?
))):

take care.
and misses*

2009-08-16T02:06:00.000-07:00

16Aug09
5.18pm

tell me.

will i ever feel that way?

mummy had been watching this hk drama recently.
Click入黄金屋。

there's this background music that they have in the show.

its a love song between a couple.

the guy composed it for her.
(:

its a very beautiful piece of instrumental i would say.

and actually what caught my attention was that he plays it with a harmonica(:

im listening to that song now.
(:

well in that show,
i didnt watch all.
but saw abit here and there.

saw their sweet times.

really sweet.

but there was a point where the girl has to leave him.
cause of some reasons.

and i was so annoyed by the fact that the guy actually went out with another girl.
after she left to go overseas.

but in the end,
i suppose something happened that made them realise how much they love each other,

it was a happy ending with the both of them back together.
(:

cant stop listening to that song.
got pictures and images when i listen to it. (:

and i saw some pictures on facebook.
they are really very happy and sweet together.

im happy for them too.
(:

haha.
i guess i should be back at my notes now.
byebye.

2009-08-15T06:58:00.000-07:00

15Aug09
10:09pm

so long since my last post~~

so im back againn tonight.

was studying and playing fb, viwawa and blah blah for the whole day on my chair with wheels.

my back sourrr sia.
so now im sitting on my bed.(:

comfy comfy.
and very cosy too.

with all my stuff toys and pillows.
haha.

im still wayyy behind my plan to study.

but i wont give up.
cause this is the last time(:

i will do well.

thus, i must put in more effort.
(:

alot of things happened since the last post too.

like the day ta01 and ta03 peeps went to orchard together(:

i call it the G.I.Joe day.
haha.

loveeeeeeee that show!
x)

and of course the companions as well(:

that day was funn.
ate at billy bombers. (never ate there before)

watched G.I.Joe.

went shopping with the guys and the girls.

eating mac as supper.

and sitting at the platform outside taka at night.

and all the laughters and camwhoring the whole day!
from the time we board the bus headed for orchard.
all the way till we parted with eliz at orchard to go home.
(:

den another thing would be two days ago.
firstly, me and serlee (my gf) went to orchard to buy formal wear as well as her nerd glasses.

it was kinda fun.
like a date.
lol.

we even bought couple rings!
(:
one each.

first couple ring of mine.
(:

den shopp along with her,
and i bought two long sleeved top and one pencil skirt at G2000.
having this great sale.

i really like em.
given that the price wasnt very costly.

and the buying of formal wears like this make me feel like im all grown up.

a grown up woman.(:

are gonna use those for my attachment.
which starts on sept7.

and well.
we are confirm not gonna do audit.

but now its like it might be accounts and it might be management accounting o.o

I DUN WANT MANAGEMENT ACCOUNTING OR COSTING.
pleaseeeeeeeeee.
T.T

lol.
but high chance since my last sem rfa got D.
)):

den secondly was we celebrated dad's chinese bday at home with steamboat!
all my favvvv food :D

and of course the fun of cooking it in the pot!
:D

and ahying came over for the steamboat too.
and she brought the clothes i ordered with her on the internet.
from somewhere overseas.

i bought 7.
but onli 3 actually look nice.

got 2 cant wear.
being one cant zip fully at the side.
and another one the cutting is FREAKING small.
)):

the second one is one of my fav.
but even if i slim until left my bones onli also cant wear.
cause the cutting is VERY small.

even ahying said tight. o.o

all in a day.
yap.
(:

as for some other matters.
seems that you had also made a decision huh?

im sorry i had to use such a harsh tone and use such harsh words in our last convo.
but i really think if i dun be straightforward u wont get what i mean.

and we will just continue to beat around the bush.
never getting to the problem.

so since u gave up too.
i guess thats the end.

seriously im really very upset that ive not really got the feeling of being in a relationship.
if relationships is what i thought it was.

that both parties are really really very happy to have each other around.
and that they like each other's company.
and that when things go wrong, the meetup will make one feel better.

many would tell me this is reality.
all that onli happens in dramas and movies.

but look at those.
its just 3 simple things.
WHY CANT IT HAPPEN?

well im someone who believes fairytales do happen in life.
i will not give up that belief.

at least..

not yet.

since uve decided.
i guess its really over.

i dun know why.
but i do miss u.

i am now.

2009-08-08T09:10:00.000-07:00

8Aug09
12:22am

wanted to come and blog since this afternoon.

but now that im here,
i forgot what was it i wanna blog about.

haha.

but anyways.
I GOT MY NEW PHONE!
((:

samsung preston.
light, touchscreen, style.
HAHA.

i likeeeee.

and best of all, its free! :P

yays!!!
hahahahahah.

okay after one day already my excitement still havent cease.
HAHA.

cause tml i dun think i will have time to do work.
i have to do my audit proj now.
)):

like at least finish my part.
(:

can do it one!:D

anyways.

i thought i should say this.

I LOVE NAPPING WHEN I WANNA NAP.
x)

i did just now at 6+pm.
HAHAHA.

dun normally get to do that,
cause i seldom got the time to slow down and sit down for the whole day already.

and well i slacked away the whole day.
LOL.

:x

oh yah!
i thought of what i wanted to blog already!

hahaha.

i got my attachment letter already.
mine will start in sep.

its at baxter's healthcare S & A.
(:

actually,
im quite upset.

like i dun feel that great.

cause alot of my friends went to places like banks.
OCBC, citibanks and etc.

they are going to places like cityhall maybe?

and here im stuck at some place in between woodlands and kranji.
hmmm. ):

i have only myself to blame.
i mean,
i m not some topppp student in sch.

naturally i dun get to the BIGG companies.

oh wells.

actually this baxter healthcare should be quite big too.
think its from US?

and they do meaningful stuff!
they make devices and give therapies for ppl with cancer and kidney failure i think.

and last but not least,
the best part is that im going there with serlee! :DDD

we got attached to the same company.
hehe.

now im all excited on what job am i gonna do there.
audit?
or accounts?

(:

for now,
its to clear audit.
and to clear all my exams!
so i can go to attachment.
(:

jiayou peeps!(:

and lastly..
i really think..
we are both helping each other to recover from the wounds made.

im really happy and its really heartwarming that things are going this way.

to others it might be wrong...

but i think only ourselves can heal each other from the pain. (:

im not predicting what will happen or hoping for anything..
but remember,
one day when you think you dont wanna try anymore...
tell me.

and remember i'll still be there.
(:

2009-08-06T11:21:00.000-07:00

6Aug09
2.32am

just thought i should come and blog awhile before i go to bed.

had a wonderful night with ta03s and ta01s:D

went orchard after our lesson at 3.
from the journey till the journey home.

fun and laughter!
hahaha.

watched G.I.Joe.
x)

really liked it alot.
damn nice.
hahahaha.

and we camwhored alot today!!
hahahahahaha.

the girls cant stop talking pictures.
*tsk tsk*

:P

and we ate at billy bombers.
somewhere ive never went to eat before.

honey chicken something for everyone.
yummmy.
:D

just so fun with all of them that we all didnt wanna go home :X
so came home late.
and had to do claw stuff till midnight again.

hahaha.
:X

but now can sleep already ((:

and im so happy about something i have to come and blog about it.

well u see.
ive been saying i want a table in my bedroom so i can do my homework.

and when i came home just now,
i saw a white table in the living room!
AHAHA.

my parents bought it for me((:

but they had already went to bed when i came back.

just thought it was really so sweet of them :D

and last but not least.
HAPPY BDAY SHING!((:

past 12 its ur bday already :D

tml's gonna be a long long day.
T.T

so goodnight people!
:D:D:D

2009-08-05T09:43:00.001-07:00

5Aug09
12.54am

im so confused about so many things.

i wish i know exactly how you feel.

are you sure that you wanna go through all these?

i mean..
do you think im worth it?

im not some PRETTY or SEXY babe.
i dun know..

and i wonder if the things that you do are gonna be any different.

i wonder if i will feel otherwise.
its very hard im warning you.

just thought i should tell you this.
no matter what the ending is.

as long as both of us are happy,
i'll be very contented already.

yap.

i need to go do my audit proj stuff now.
night everyone((:

2009-08-02T10:10:00.000-07:00

2Aug09
1.22am

yeah thought i should come blog.
i dun wish to bother my friends too much by talking to them too much..

i can only say.
it hurts.
its heartaching.

but its something that has to be done.....

but ive tried my best..
i should be proud of myself..

im really touched that you could still go all out to make me feel better.
im really really touched.

forgive me for not going on with you into the future.

as much as i want to protect you and be there for you whenever you are sad,
and make you happy..

but i got to do this.
for myself...

im sorry.

its really hard to let go on my side too.
but its for my own good.
and maybe its for yours too.....

maybe you will find a better girl than me..

please dont forget what i said.
on smiling more...
on taking care of yourself more...

ive took up alot of courage to make this decision.
and alot of time too.

thank you for helping me choose.
thank you for making me feel better.

i really really really appreciate your effort to do that.

or i might be killing myself already.

i got a feeling all this will affect my studies.
and my exams are just 2weeks away...
im so so so worried.

i still can remember u picked me up when i was like in the mud.
i started studying and leading a new life after i went together with you..

i will never forget all the memories we had together..

and i'll definitely miss you...

thanks for everything..
and sorry for my selfishness....

always part of my heart...

goodnight.
sweetdreams.
and take care of yourself without me...

night..

2009-07-18T01:00:00.000-07:00

18july09
4.11pm

hary potter had started airing in theatres.
):
):
):

i hadnt eat kfc bandito yet.
):
):
):

2009-07-17T10:29:00.000-07:00

17July09
1.41am

tired but dun feel like going to sleep.

i hanging halfway in the air.
with onli one feet on the ground.

not balanced.
not calm.
not comfortable.

it feels like ive woken up from a dream.
and nothing had actually happened.
nothing took place.

it was all an imagination.
all a dream.

i wouldnt say its a nightmare.
cause i didnt regret at all.

from the day the dream started.
even up till now.

but..
i had to wake myself up from the dream.

i did.
and now i dun know if its really good or bad.

i hate making decisions.
because i always get all lost and dun know what to do.
but most things in life has to be decided and onli one choice can be taken.

hate that.

and i hate myself for always not being determined.
and always so softhearted.

cause the one who gets hurt is always the weaker one.):

but the many factors and the things that sparked the whole thing off..
i cant just ignore them.

ive been constantly under this situation.
for more than half a year now..

im proud of myself.
to have took it up and tried my very best.

here's a song for now.
他要我他不爱我 - 任贤齐

他没有伤我，只是我自己太软弱。

):
whats gonna happen now?
it already ended?

ps. u will always find me here to help when u're in times of need.

im getting tired.
probably its the time to sleep..

thanks for the friends(:
everyone of u(:
just nice to get me through all of these.

or at least keep my minds off.
):

and i will hold her through the darkest nights..
holding her warm and tight~

- song composed by a songwriter invited to scc last wed, he sang this when his wife came walking in the aisle.(:

love should be beautiful.(:
i'll always believe in that.